Change.
wow so this is a bit of a throwback. I had a strong urge to write so I went through the archives and found my blogspot. what a brilliant idea.
I think I just wanted to get some stuff out, I'm not to sure, but just going to write about what's going on atm.
I'm going through a bit of a strange time right now I think. I've realised for quite a while that I've not been myself, not been quite true to myself and that something has been missing. My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago and I was devastated, truly devastated. I couldn't remember what it was like not knowing him, not looking down at my phone and having a message from him, not knowing whta he was up to 24/7. It really really scared me the prospect of breaking up, and the week before we broke up I basically broke down in front of him and we decided we'd try to make it work. But what was the point in trying something different, when it was obvious his heart wasnt in it. The only reason he was staying with me was to relieve my anxiety. It made absolutely no sense. I cried every day for a week, was distant at school and found it really hard to enjoy myself. Which was really shit as it was my last week of school and probably the end of my time with my school friends. It really sucked. really sucked.
Although we agreed we'd stay friends, text, meet up etc it was really difficult. Since, I have realised that my dependence on him was so unhealthy, and must have been so draining for him as well even if he wasnt aware of it. For the last 6 months I've had such negative energy and have just struggled being myself, constantly worrying. Of course, it was not his fault, that's not what I am trying to say at all, he is amazing, one of a kind and I'm so so glad that I know him and was able to get to know him so well over the past 2 years, but we were no longer right for eachother, we had changed and facing that reality made me feel so shit.
Over the last month I have struggled to get over what I am referring to as a 'habit'. The first week I was constantly checking up on him, what he was listening to on spotify, when he was last on fb, who he had just followed on insta. It's so stupid and I cringe confessing to it.
My best friend convinced me that i had to unfollow him. I tried to fight it and argue against her, but I knew she was right, the only way I was going to get over it was to get him out my life, so I unfollowed him on insta, deleted snapchat, blocked him on fb and deleted all our text messages.
we met the other week for a catch up, I had said that I didn't want it to be awkward at prom (in a couple of weeks) and would like to see him before. It was nice, we talked like normal and well yeah it was fine; however, talking about the afternoon with my friends afterwards, I realise that it was really weird. I didn't know how to act with him, he was joking about other girls and stuff but I was still attached and struggled to know how to act. I ended up saying stupid things, tryign to get back at him, trying to make him jealous, perhaps trying to make him miss me? Im not sure, looking back, and this was only last week, it was so stupid. I was so immature. SO immature. Not that im 'mature' now, I'm not sure how I'll act next time I see him, I'd like to think that I'm in a much better mental space now. I can appreciate the time we had together, but realise that I don't need it and I don't need him.
I feel like there is something missing from my life, but it's not him.
It sounds SO cliché, I KNOW. And I cringe so much just thinking about it, but these last few weeks have been a sort of journey I guess, being alone has been difficult, switching off has been difficult, realising that I'm not happy has been difficult. And I have often reverted back to my 'old ways', reloading social media and stalking him, or just scrolling endlessly on social media thinking it will give me some sort of joy, but it never does. I am only left more tired, bored and exhausted with life.
I am desperate for a change, I feel a change could be so beneficial for me. I know that I'm very privileged, and saying that I'm bored of this comfort and stability is off as I have never experienced true hardship and have always been protected. But I can't stop my mind from wandering off to what ifs, and it's a strange thing to say but I think I'm on the wrong path. I am so privileged to be able to be able to study and learn and be educated, but the things I'm doing fill me with no joy and my future does not excite me one bit. If anything it scares me that I may be bored and feel incomplete my whole life. I am scared about what others will think if I change my decision and choose anything less academic.
I'm not too sure what I'm getting at if I'm honest, and in all truth I don't know where half of this has even come from, I was definitely not intending to write so much about how I've felt this last month(s), but it's obvious to me now that I was keeping it to myself. It's funny that I was actually too scared to write privately in a journal or whatever for this exact reason, I was scared of what was going to come out, and now I'm going to post it on the internet? not that anyone is likely to see this but it's a strange thought.
On a final note, I am slowly reintroducing him back into my life, following him on spotify and unblocking him on fb. It sounds so petty and ridiculous I know but it can be really hard. Again I do find myself falling back into habits, looking at what he's listening too, wondering how he's feeling, what he's up to. And there is nothing wrong with that, I am coming to terms with this, I am allowed to think of him, he was such a massive part of my life for two years, it would be unrealistic to expect myself to be able to cut him out of my life and my history.
We are still on good terms. (I think lol)
I hope I will have many more loves in my life, I'm sure I will. People have told me the first is always the worst, but I can see that you can only come out of it better off, well that's what I'm hoping this is.
p.s. read rupi kaur's milk and honey, it's gorgeous, empowering and makes you feel great things. x
I think I just wanted to get some stuff out, I'm not to sure, but just going to write about what's going on atm.
I'm going through a bit of a strange time right now I think. I've realised for quite a while that I've not been myself, not been quite true to myself and that something has been missing. My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago and I was devastated, truly devastated. I couldn't remember what it was like not knowing him, not looking down at my phone and having a message from him, not knowing whta he was up to 24/7. It really really scared me the prospect of breaking up, and the week before we broke up I basically broke down in front of him and we decided we'd try to make it work. But what was the point in trying something different, when it was obvious his heart wasnt in it. The only reason he was staying with me was to relieve my anxiety. It made absolutely no sense. I cried every day for a week, was distant at school and found it really hard to enjoy myself. Which was really shit as it was my last week of school and probably the end of my time with my school friends. It really sucked. really sucked.
Although we agreed we'd stay friends, text, meet up etc it was really difficult. Since, I have realised that my dependence on him was so unhealthy, and must have been so draining for him as well even if he wasnt aware of it. For the last 6 months I've had such negative energy and have just struggled being myself, constantly worrying. Of course, it was not his fault, that's not what I am trying to say at all, he is amazing, one of a kind and I'm so so glad that I know him and was able to get to know him so well over the past 2 years, but we were no longer right for eachother, we had changed and facing that reality made me feel so shit.
Over the last month I have struggled to get over what I am referring to as a 'habit'. The first week I was constantly checking up on him, what he was listening to on spotify, when he was last on fb, who he had just followed on insta. It's so stupid and I cringe confessing to it.
My best friend convinced me that i had to unfollow him. I tried to fight it and argue against her, but I knew she was right, the only way I was going to get over it was to get him out my life, so I unfollowed him on insta, deleted snapchat, blocked him on fb and deleted all our text messages.
we met the other week for a catch up, I had said that I didn't want it to be awkward at prom (in a couple of weeks) and would like to see him before. It was nice, we talked like normal and well yeah it was fine; however, talking about the afternoon with my friends afterwards, I realise that it was really weird. I didn't know how to act with him, he was joking about other girls and stuff but I was still attached and struggled to know how to act. I ended up saying stupid things, tryign to get back at him, trying to make him jealous, perhaps trying to make him miss me? Im not sure, looking back, and this was only last week, it was so stupid. I was so immature. SO immature. Not that im 'mature' now, I'm not sure how I'll act next time I see him, I'd like to think that I'm in a much better mental space now. I can appreciate the time we had together, but realise that I don't need it and I don't need him.
I feel like there is something missing from my life, but it's not him.
It sounds SO cliché, I KNOW. And I cringe so much just thinking about it, but these last few weeks have been a sort of journey I guess, being alone has been difficult, switching off has been difficult, realising that I'm not happy has been difficult. And I have often reverted back to my 'old ways', reloading social media and stalking him, or just scrolling endlessly on social media thinking it will give me some sort of joy, but it never does. I am only left more tired, bored and exhausted with life.
I am desperate for a change, I feel a change could be so beneficial for me. I know that I'm very privileged, and saying that I'm bored of this comfort and stability is off as I have never experienced true hardship and have always been protected. But I can't stop my mind from wandering off to what ifs, and it's a strange thing to say but I think I'm on the wrong path. I am so privileged to be able to be able to study and learn and be educated, but the things I'm doing fill me with no joy and my future does not excite me one bit. If anything it scares me that I may be bored and feel incomplete my whole life. I am scared about what others will think if I change my decision and choose anything less academic.
I'm not too sure what I'm getting at if I'm honest, and in all truth I don't know where half of this has even come from, I was definitely not intending to write so much about how I've felt this last month(s), but it's obvious to me now that I was keeping it to myself. It's funny that I was actually too scared to write privately in a journal or whatever for this exact reason, I was scared of what was going to come out, and now I'm going to post it on the internet? not that anyone is likely to see this but it's a strange thought.
On a final note, I am slowly reintroducing him back into my life, following him on spotify and unblocking him on fb. It sounds so petty and ridiculous I know but it can be really hard. Again I do find myself falling back into habits, looking at what he's listening too, wondering how he's feeling, what he's up to. And there is nothing wrong with that, I am coming to terms with this, I am allowed to think of him, he was such a massive part of my life for two years, it would be unrealistic to expect myself to be able to cut him out of my life and my history.
We are still on good terms. (I think lol)
I hope I will have many more loves in my life, I'm sure I will. People have told me the first is always the worst, but I can see that you can only come out of it better off, well that's what I'm hoping this is.
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